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Solved by verified expert:Write Six Examples of Insane Behavior in “Baby with the Bathwater” Open-book reading check: enumerate six specific examples of absurd, irrational behavior in Durang’s play. And please mention why? (Two pages)attached is the play
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Baby With the Bathwater
by Christopher Durang
_____________________________________________________________________
2012 production at Edna Manley School of Drama directed by KJMelson
Auditions:
22 August, 2012, 1-5pm
Rehearsals begin:
17 September
Production dates:
9-18 November
_____________________________________________________________________
Characters
Helen, the mother*
John, the father
Nanny, the nanny
Cynthia
Kate
Angela
Mrs. Willoughby, the principal
Miss Pringle, a teacher
Young Man
Susan
*This role will be played by 3 actresses simultaneously, i.e., schizophrenia, working as a movement
ensemble—only the ‘primary’ Helen will interact with other characters on the stage.
NB—All actors will have understudy assignments, meaning ALL actors will learn 2 roles if cast in
this production. All understudies will perform in their understudy roles on a schedule tba.
Act I
SCENE 1
The home of JOHN and HELEN, a couple in their late twenties or early thirties.
They are standing over a bassinet.
Helen: Hello, baby. Hello.
John: It looks just like me.
Helen: Yes, it does. Smaller.
John: Well, yes.
Helen: And it looks just like me. It has my hair.
John: Yes it does.
Helen (slightly worried): I wonder if it would have been better off having your hair?
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John (reassuringly): Your hair is lovely.
Helen (touched): Thank you.
John: You’re welcome. (They smile at one another warmly. Back to the bassinet.) Hello, baby.
Hello. Coooo.
Helen: Cooooooo. Cummmmm-quat. Cummmmm-quat!
John: Hee haw. Hee haw. Daddy’s little baked potato.
Helen: Don’t call the child a baked potato.
John: It’s a term of affection.
Helen: It isn’t. It’s a food. No one wants to be called a baked potato.
John: Well, it doesn’t speak English.
Helen: The various books say that you should presume your child can understand you. We don’t
want it to have problems in kindergarten or marriage because you called it a baked potato.
John: It seems to me you’re losing your sense of humor.
Helen (firmly): I just don’t want to make the child insane—that’s all. Bringing up a child is a
delicate thing.
John: All right, you’re not a baked potato, sweet pea. (She looks at him in horror; he senses her
look.) And you’re not a sweet pea either. You’re a baby. Bay-bee. Bay-bee.
Helen: I want a divorce.
John: What?
Helen: You heard me. I want a divorce.
John: Are you crazy? You’ve read the statistics on children from broken homes. Do you want to
do that to our child?
Helen: I don’t feel ready for marriage, I didn’t when we got married, I should have said no.
John: But we love each other.
Helen: You have blond hair. I don’t like men with blond hair. I like men with dark hair, but I’m
afraid of them. I’m not afraid of you. I hate you.
John:
What? Is this postpartum depression?
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Helen: Don’t talk about postpartum depression, you know nothing about it. (To baby:) Men just
don’t understand things, do they sweetie pie?
John: If I can’t call it a potato you can’t call it a pie.
Helen: I didn’t call it a pie.
John: You did. You said sweetie pie.
Helen: Sweetie pie is an expression, it isn’t a pie. You don’t go into a restaurant and order sweetie
pie.
John: Why do you insist on winning every argument?
Helen: If I’m right, I’m right. It has nothing to do with winning. (To baby:) Men don’t know how to
argue. That’s why they always end up hitting people.
John: I don’t hit people.
Helen: Boys and men hit one another constantly. They attack one another in the street, they play
football, they wrestle on television, they rape one another in prison, they rape women and
children in back alleys. (To baby:) Beware of men, darling. Be glad you’re not ever going to be a
man.
John: That’s an awful thing to say. And is it a girl? I thought it was a boy?
Helen: We don’t know what sex it is. It’s too young. The doctor said we could decide later.
John: You don’t decide later. Gender is a fact, it’s not a decision.
Helen: That’s not what the doctor said to me. He said something about the DNA molecule. They’re
splitting it differently now. He said if the DNA combined one way, the child would have
testosterone and then we could either have it circumcised or not, depending. Or else the DNA
combines with estrogen, in which case it would be a girl. Or in some cases, the DNA combines with
cobalt molecules, and then the child would be radioactive for 5,000 years and we’d have to send it
out into orbit.
John: What are you talking about?
Helen: Can’t you speak English? I’m married to an idiot. (To baby:) Your father is an idiot. Oh God,
please let me meet a dark-haired man who’s smarter than I am. (To John:) Oh why don’t you go
away? I don’t like you.
John: I don’t understand. We were very happy yesterday.
Helen: What are you talking about? Happy? Who was happy?
John: We were. We were making plans. The child’s schooling, what playground to take it to,
whether to let it play with toy guns, how to toilet train it.
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Helen: Oh God, toilet training. I can’t face it. We’ll have to hire someone.
John: We don’t have money to hire anyone.
Helen: Well, we’ll have to earn the money.
John: But we can’t earn money. I was let go from work.
Helen: Well, you can find another job.
John: I need rest, I really don’t feel able to work right now.
Helen: John, that’s not practical.
John: I want to go back to bed.
Helen: But, John, you wanted to be responsible, don’t you remember? Right after that week you
stayed behind the refrigerator, you came to me and said, “The immaturities of my youth are over
now, Helen. Let’s make a baby.” And then we did. Don’t you remember?
John: I need professional help. I want to go to McLean in Massachusetts. That’s the institution
James Taylor was in for a time. He seems so tranquil and calm when he gives his concerts. And he
has a summer house on Martha’s Vineyard. Maybe, when the doctor says I’m well enough, I could
go to Mar—
Helen: JOHN, LIVE UP TO YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES! (Baby cries.) Oh God, it’s crying. What should
we do?
John: Sing to it.
Helen (sings to baby sweetly, softly): There’s no business like show business, like no business . . .
John: A lullaby, sweetheart.
Helen: I don’t know any lullabies.
John (sings):
Hush little baby, don’t you cry,
Mama’s gonna give you a big black eye . . .
Helen: Good heavens, those aren’t the lyrics.
John: I know they’re not. I can’t remember the right ones.
Helen: Oh God. You’re going to teach baby all the wrong lyrics to everything. It’s going to have
trouble with its peer group.
John: Maybe we should hold it to stop it crying.
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Helen: We might drop it. I had a cocktail for breakfast. I’m not steady.
John: Why did you have a cocktail?
Helen: You’re always picking on me! I’m sorry I married you. I’m sorry I gave birth to baby. I wish I
were back at the Spence School.
John: We love the baby.
Helen: How can we love the baby? It won’t stop that noise. (To baby:) Shut up, baby. Shut up. Oh
God, please help us. Please make the baby stop.
(Enter NANNY, dressed in tweeds, wearing a lady-like hat and carrying a large cloth handbag.)
Nanny: Hello. I’m Nanny.
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Helen: Oh thank goodness you’ve come. Please make it stop crying.
Nanny (goes over to crib; in a high soothing, if odd, voice): Hellooooooo, baby. Hellloooooo.
Yeeeeeeeeees. Yeeeeeees. It’s Nanny. Yesssssssssssss. (Baby stops making noise.) That’s right.
That’s right. I’ve brought you a present.
(Takes out a jar, opens it—it’s a trick jar— and a large snake pops out. Baby screams
in terror. JOHN and HELEN are fairly startled also. NANNY laughs.)
Ha haha haha! Surprised you, didn’t it?
John: See here, who are you?
Helen: Oh my God, it’s crying again. Please make it stop crying.
Nanny: What? I can’t hear you. Child’s making so much racket.
Helen: Please. Make it stop that awful noise.
Nanny (high voice again): Quiet, little baby. Be quiet. (No effect; then she yells stridently.) SHUT
UP! (Baby is abruptly quiet; NANNY is pleased.)
John (looking at the baby): I think you’ve given it a heart attack.
Nanny: No, no. It’s just resting.
Helen: Oh thank goodness it stopped.
John: Who are you?
Nanny: I am the ghost of Christmas Past. Hahahahaha. No—just making a joke. I get a list of all
the new parents from the hospital, and then I just descend upon them. Now, I need Wednesday
evenings off, and I’m allergic to asparagus and lobster . . .
Helen: We never have lobster.
Nanny: And I like chunky peanut butter better than the smooth kind, but if you already have the
smooth kind, we’ll finish that off before you buy a new jar.
John: I can’t afford you.
Nanny: And I don’t do windows, and I don’t do floors, and I don’t do laundry, but I make salmon
salad and tuna salad and salad niçoise and chef salad and chunky peanut butter sandwiches, and I
make my own yogurt in a great big vat.
John: You can’t stay here.
Helen: But I need help. I can’t cope by myself. Please, John.
John: But I’m on unemployment.
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Nanny: Well, we’ll just get you another job.
John: But what can I do?
Nanny: Why don’t you become an astronaut? That pays very well. Or a football player. Or a
newscaster. (To baby:) Wouldn’t you like to see your d=daddy on television, baby? Baby? (Looks
into the silent bassinet.) I think the snake scared it. (To baby:) WAKE UP! (Baby cries.) There, that’s
better. (Smiles, pleased.)
Helen: Please don’t shout at it. It’s not good for it.
John: Maybe I should hold it to comfort it.
Helen: That would be very responsible, John. That’s a good boy. Good boy.
John: Thank you. (Holds baby, who stops crying.)
Helen: John’s been fired from his job, you see.
Nanny: Well, that won’t put food on the table.
Helen: I could get a job, I suppose. But what would I do?
Nanny: Well, why don’t you write a novel? The World According to Garp sold very well recently.
Why don’t you write something like that?
Helen: Oh, that’s a good idea. But I need a pencil and paper.
Nanny: Oh. Well, here’s a dollar. Now you go to the store and buy some paper and a nice felt-tip
pen.
Helen: Now?
Nanny: No time like the present.
Helen: Oh John, please put the baby down. I’m afraid one of us might drop it. (To NANNY:) I had a
cocktail for breakfast, and John took some Nyquil and Quaaludes.
John: I get tense.
Nanny: Put the baby down, John. You’re spoiling it. (Takes it from him, puts it in bassinet.) Now,
what should we call it do you think?
Helen: Well, John’s father’s name is John, and his mother’s name was Joan, and my father’s name
was John, and my mother’s name was Hillary, and my doctor’s name is Dr Arthur Hammerstein,
but I really want a woman doctor who can understand me, but it’s so hard to find a doctor.
Nanny: Yes, but what about a name, a name?
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Helen: Don’t you get cross with me.
Nanny: All right, we won’t call the baby anything.
John: We could call it John after me if it’s a boy, and Helen after you if it’s a girl.
Helen: No, I don’t want to call it anything now. I’m going back to bed.
Nanny: I thought you were going to buy paper and pencil to start your novel.
Helen: I don’t want to. I want to sleep.
Nanny: I gave you a dollar.
Helen: I don’t care.
Nanny: Here’s another dollar. Go buy yourself an ice cream soda on the way home.
Helen: Oh, thank you Nanny. I love you. (Hugs her; runs off.)
Nanny: We’re all going to have to be very kind to her. (To baby:) Don’t depend on mommy, baby.
She’s not all there. (To John:) So—what can I do for you?
John: I really haven’t hired you yet, you know.
Nanny: Want a quick one?
John: Pardon?
Nanny: Us older girls have a few tricks up our sleeves, you know. I get I know some things your
wife doesn’t know.
John: I don’t know. I had a Quaalude this morning, I don’t really feel up to anything.
Nanny: It’s very rude to turn me down. You might hurt my feelings.
John: Well, what about the baby?
Nanny: The baby doesn’t have to know anything about it. Now we haven’t much time, she’s
getting the paper and pen and the ice cream soda.
John: Well, all right, but let’s not do it here. I feel uncomfortable in front of the baby.
Nanny: We could distract it. We could play loud music.
John: But we might hurt its eardrums. I want to be a good father.
Nanny: Well, of course you do. I have tiny little ear-plugs we could put in its ears.
8
John: Well, then, what’s the point of the loud music?
Nanny (thinks, but can’t unravel the mystery): I don’t know.
John: This is all getting too complicated.
Nanny (cheerfully): Very well! Let’s just do it in the kitchen. Come on.
(She energetically drags JOHN off into the kitchen. After a moment, the baby starts to cry. A young
woman, rather sweet looking but dressed shabbily, enters the apartment. Her name is CYNTHIA.
She appears to have wandered into the apartment for no apparent reason. She is very pregnant.
She walks over to the bassinet and sings sweetly to the baby to comfort it. After a few lines of the
song, the baby does stop crying. CYNTHIA keeps singing to it for a while; her voice is pleasant and
soothing.)
Cynthia (sings):
Hush, little baby,
Don’t say a word,
Momma’s gonna buy you a mockingbird,
And if that mockingbird don’t sing,
Momma’s gonna buy you a golden ring,
And if that golden ring turns brass,
Momma’s gonna buy you a looking glass,
And if that looking glass gets broke,
Momma’s gonna buy you a billy goat.
(Hums. CYNTHIA smiles that the baby has been comforted and, still humming, wanders back out of
the apartment. Lights dim.)
SCENE 2
Later that night. Dark. Baby cries. Voices saying “Oh God.” The lights come up. The couch has been
opened up to make a bed. In the bed are HELEN, NANNY, and JOHN in nightgowns and pajamas.
Nanny is sound asleep.
Helen: Baby, we’re sleeping. Now go back to sleep. John, you talk to it.
John: Enough of this noise, little child. Daddy and Mommy are sleeping.
Helen: Oh God it won’t stop. Nanny, wake up. Nanny!
John: Nanny! (They poke her.)
Nanny (coming out of a dream): Where am I? Help? Water to the right of me, water to the left of
me. Ode to a Grecian urn. (Lies back down.)
Helen: Nanny, baby is calling you.
Nanny: I’m sleepy.
9
Helen: Nanny, you’re the nanny.
Nanny (pointing to JOHN): What about Tiger here?
John: Don’t call me Tiger.
Nanny: Tiger. Ruff. Ruff. (Gets up.) All right, baby. Nanny’s coming. (Picks up baby.) Hellooooooo,
baby. Hellloooooo, baby. That’s right. Wheeeeeeeeee. Woooooooooooooo. Waaaaaaaaaaa.
(Keeps making these odd, if soothing, sounds softly through next dialogue. Baby does not stop
crying.)
Helen: Why did she call you Tiger?
John: I don’t know. She was probably dreaming.
Helen: Oh, baby’s stopped. Thank goodness for Nanny. And her salad niçoise was so good for
dinner.
John: Yes, it was. Helen, I don’t think this is going to work out.
Helen: What isn’t?
John: Nanny.
Helen: I think it’s working out fine.
John: I can’t sleep three in a bed.
Helen: John, when we’re rich we’ll buy a big house with an extra room for Nanny. Until then, this
is fine.
John: Helen, I don’t think Nanny is a good person.
Nanny: I heard that.
John:
Nanny, please, we’re trying to have a private conversation.
Nanny: Don’t you talk behind my back. I’ll hire a lawyer. We’ll slap an injunction against you.
John: Please, you deal with baby, and let Helen and me figure this out.
Nanny: I’ve finished comforting baby. (Brusquely.) Go to sleep, baby. (Tosses it back into the
bassinet.) Now you say to my face that I’m not a good person.
John: Well, maybe that’s too strong. But I think you’re too rough with baby. I mean, you just
threw in into the bassinet.
Nanny: Do you hear it crying?
10
John: No, but maybe it’s fainted or something.
Nanny: It’s just resting.
John: You keep saying that, but I think you have it fainting. And it has that look of panic on its
face.
Nanny: Look, don’t tell me how to handle children. I got it down.
Helen: Nanny knows best, John. And she’s helping me with my novel. She like the first chapter,
John.
Nanny: I did. I thought it showed real promise.
Helen: And then when I sell my novel, if we get a good deal for the paperback rights, then we can
buy a house in the country and maybe we can have another baby.
John: Helen, Nanny seduced me this afternoon when you were out buying paper.
Nanny: That’s a lie.
John: It’s the truth. I was unfaithful to you, Helen. (HELEN looks hurt in earnest.) I’m sorry.
Helen: I don’t know how to cope with this.
John: so you can see why I don’t feel comfortable all three of us in the bed.
Helen (near tears): I don’t know how to cope.
John: I’m really sorry. It was Nanny’s fault.
Nanny: He raped me!
John: I didn’t. That’s a lie, Helen.
Helen: I don’t want to talk about this anymore! I’m going to work on my novel in the kitchen and
I’m going to pretend that I live alone. (Exits.)
John: Well, things are in a fine mess.
Nanny: You told her. I didn’t.
John: What we did was wrong.
Nanny: Oh for God’s sake, it didn’t mean anything. It would’ve been fine if you hadn’t told her.
John: I felt guilty. It’s wrong to cheat on your wife.
Nanny: You’re such a dullard. There is no right or wrong, there’s only fun!
11
John: That can’t be true. I mean, there are certain things that are intrinsically wrong, and when
we figure out what these things are, then we are said to have values.
Nanny: Haven’t you read The Brothers Karamazov? Ivan Karamazov realized that because there is
no God, everything is permitted.
John: I don’t understand.
Nanny: Everything is permitted. (Hits the back of his head hard.)
John: Why did you do that?
Nanny: I felt like it. Everything is permitted. (Laughs.)
(Re-enter Helen, in raincoat and rain hat, holding a sheaf of papers.)
Helen: I’m taking my coat and the first chapter of my novel and the baby, and I’m leaving you.
John: Helen, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.
Helen: You obviously prefer Nanny to me, and so as far as I’m concerned, you can just go to hell.
Nanny (genuinely meaning it): Oh I love arguments.
John: Helen, we have to stay together for the baby.
Helen: No, I’m taking the baby and the novel, and you won’t get any of the paperback rights at all.
Goodbye.
John: The baby’s asleep.
Helen: Or fainted, as you said, Nanny bats it around so. (Picks up baby.) Mommy’s going to save
you now, sweetie pie.
John: I have rights to the baby too.
Helen: Baby will thank me later.
John: But where will you go at this hour?
Helen (at a loss): We’ll go to . . . Marriott’s Essex House.
John: Our credit cards have been cancelled.
Helen: All right. We’ll sleep in the park. I don’t care, I just have to leave here! Don’t touch me!
John: But it’s freezing out. Baby will catch pneumonia.
Helen: Well, I can’t help it. You don’t die from pneumonia.
12
John: But you do, you do die from pneumonia!
Helen: Don’t tell me what to do. I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! (Exits with baby.)
John: Helen!
Nanny: Let her go, she’ll be back in a few minutes. I know these hysterical mothers.
John: They’re going to get very ill, it’s very cold outside.
Nanny: It’s bad to fuss too much as a parent, you’re child will grow up afraid. Let baby discover
some things for itself. You want a quick one?
John: What?
Nanny: You heard me.
John: But it’s wrong. Sexual infidelity is wrong.
Nanny: Wrong, right, I don’t know where you pick up these phrases. Didn’t they teach you about
Darwin in public school? The fish came out of the water, covered with a viscous substance, and
then bones and vertebrae were evolved, and then male and female, and then the egg and the
ovum and the testicles and the semen, and then reproduction, and then dinosaurs, or maybe
dinosaurs before that, and then local governments, and then the space program, and then nuclear
power plants and …
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