Expert answer:Help on college essay

Expert answer:1. Does the essay answer what the essay topic is asking for?2. Are there any boring/irrelevant parts that should be take out?3. In my conclusion should I reflect on my intro, stating the “gunshots, bombs and terrorists” have been replaced with something more positive now that I have grown or should i leave it as is?4. Is the essay well written?5. Does the reader get lost or confused at any point?6. Feel free to make any comments regarding the betterment of the essay.
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Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they
believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please
share your story.
Growing
Cartoons, dolls, and candies were replaced with gunshots, bombs and terrorists in my
eleven year old brain. As my growing body stood there cemented onto the wooden floors of my
house, gunshots started making room for themselves in bodies they were not welcome in. My
home, this piece of land that had stood in Egypt for hundreds of years, was no longer my safe
haven. Although the ricochet of the gun was expected to be the loudest noise I would ever hear,
it didn’t compare to the ringing in my ears of my pounding heart. At the very end of the hallway
I saw an unpuzzled image of my mother. She was running towards me, eyes filled with fear.
After what seemed like years, we finally reached each other and helped each other stay down on
the ground for protection.
We sat there, our minds filled with overlapping emotions. I then noticed a void in me,
one that was lusting for safety. Through all of the chaos, my brain started looking for a way to
get out of the dark place my head had gotten to. As I closed my eyes and slowed down my
breathing I saw parents and I in these same streets once again, I recalled the time my parents
were teaching me how to ride a bike and me failing then laughing it off and trying “just one more
time”. Once I had gone to my “happy place” I began looking for comfort within my reality,
surprisingly that comfort was found within the same sound that once terrified me. The noises out
there weren’t just gunshots and bombs; they were also chants. I found peace in the rhythms
people were crying out; I realized I could do something about this overpowering fear.
Following this incident I began looking at the world through a different eye. Home was
no longer a building; it became my mother. Instead of running to her with issues like wanting a
new toy or begging her to extend my bed time for an hour because Aladdin was on, I started
running to her for refuge, one I did not know how to survive without. I grew very attached to
mother during that period of my life. She had always been this amazing selfless woman and I had
known I loved her but I never thought I would feel as though she was a part of me, that without
her I could longer grow, that is what I believed at the time.
The next day my family and I decided to join the protesters. We were fighting for our
right to live a life we had a choice in. I was expecting to feel invisible within this massive crowd
of protesters yet I felt nothing but essential. While chanting through the streets I began to realize
that I do have power over my life and that whatever may happen to me in the future was due to
the actions and decisions that I have taken throughout my journey.
It was not long after that day that the government had started passing curfews and
forbidding people from practicing what should have been their right of speaking their minds,
they only grew more violent toward the protesters after that. Living in Egypt became unsafe. I
never learnt how to ride a bike without training wheels.
Realizing that people are not all good, and that the world is not the Utopia my parents
made it out to be at such a young age helped me grow into a more realistic person. I no longer
view tough situations as struggles but rather as opportunities to grow. Today, I am capable of
handling situations that push me out of my comfort zone with grace. I have seen how harsh the
world could be and I live every day with the goal of making it even a little better for others who
may share the same experiences as I did.
…
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